Dear Ashlynne

Dear heavens, I just wrote dear Ashlynne and it’s already cheesier than I can handle. But i’ll try to get over it.
So I didn’t realize this really till after we talked, and it’s probably best that I did because I wouldn’t be able to say it anyway.
But it’s just kinda funny that i hadn’t realized it before but every time we talk either you or I point out that normal this is something I would never disclose to anyone. Ever. And I’m stupid for not realizing it before. I’ve been doing this whole... emotionally attached journey for a little while now I guess, and it’s sorta sucked, but I have realized something good about it. I finally get to more emotionally attached to you. And I don’t mean that like I was never before. That’s completely untrue. You’re the closest person to me outside of family (and I would say it’s comparable, but family is just a different kind of bond, and I know you get that so I don’t have to explain that) and have been... probably forever. Including the years before 8th grade, which is kinda sad once I think about it.... But I don’t know, I don’t want to say I’ve been afraid of rejection, it’s not like that, but I guess I’ve always had a sorta wall. I wish I could think of the word for it but I can’t. I guess I was afraid of the bits I share people won’t accept. Not that I’ll get rejected but just not all of me was what people wanted to know. And it’s kinda silly, with romantic relationships, I know that happens, like those little things that get you about your companion, I get that. It just happens. And I guess I realized that happens in relationships in friendship. But I never wanted that. But I know it’s unavoidable. I know there are probably a lot of things that bug my friends about me, but now i know it’s okay. Those things are actually good in a sense. If my mother didn’t drive me crazy, she wouldn’t be the woman that’s my mother, and that would be a terrible terrible thing. I love her for her and her flaws, even if they drive me up the wall. And I only thought those sort of flaws that make the person you love only happened in romantic relationships. Silly I know.
But I guess what I’m sorta trying to say is that, I never wanted that with my friendships so I never disclosed most of the things in my mind. But now that I find that I’m more emotionally invested I can disclose things to you. There’s still a lot I haven’t told you, and its not like I’m trying to keep secrets (trust me, I have no secrets worth keeping), it’s just hard. But I’m getting better. Geez where am I going with this. I’m just so grateful that I have you. I never thought I’d have a friend that I could ever be so invested in, and that’s lonely and scared me for a really long time. I’ve always said I’m independent, but I get lonely, more often than people might realized. Its my own fault but still. I just appreciate that I have you for a best friend. I appreciate that you stuck through with my insensitive self (I’m still working on it).
I always say you’re lucky that I’m telling you that and I’m not sure it conveys what I really mean. You’re not lucky, like oh, you earned the right to hear this, or you get to hear something from Marcy, you lucky person, you. No. Not at all. And the amazing thing is, you’re an amazing person and probably already understand this, but I’ve always been jealous of people who can just share their souls with other people. It’s something that I know doesn’t come around often and is very special. I’m not saying you're lucky because you’re hearing something from me, but you’re that person that someone can share things with, no mater what they are. You’re a true friend. You’re lucky. Not so much you’re lucky as you’re just a wonderful person. I know I’m lucky that I can be that for you, and it makes me sad that we haven’t really been able to be that way with each other.
I guess that’s just what I wanted to say really. Is that I appreciate you so much. You don’t even know. Honestly, when it comes to this emotion thing, you’re probably the best person I got to look towards. And I know it hurts you a lot of the time, and I know right now you’re really feeling it, but I know that’s also where you find so much happiness, and I really look up to that.
I really don’t know what I was trying to say, but I hope you found the point in there somewhere, but basically Thank you.
Love, ~Marcy Elaine.