:I

I can't find my flash drive that basically has THE LAST 6 YEARS OF MY LIFE on it. and on top of that, my scanner is not working and I can't scan my art.
Not. Happy.

Tell me that you'd like to see me too

Cried about it for the first time tonight

I'm freaking tired

Really it's only hard at night...
When I slow down a bit and have time to think about the fact that I've broken up with Mr. Perfect. It is very sad, and I've gotten good at hiding it. I try and think of all the guys I can go on dates with, all this free time that I will have, and when those dont work, I go Christmas shopping, or do math homework before its due (yeah. I KNOW.), or offer to make spreadsheets on Excel for my boss.
Anything to distract me. It's really only hard at night.

Well, on the bright side, I'm done with all of my Christmas shopping :) oh, and I'm going to this super exclusive Smash Ball, is what it's called. A convention of 40 smash bookers, exchanging ideas and looking at new product before it comes out and getting a ton of free stuff. Because I am that cool.

AND someone commented on a foxy post whom I don't know! And people are repinning my outfits on Pinterest!
At least I'm doing something right :P

A habit of mine

I just realized...I tend to watch and listen and obsess over Les Mis after break ups. Helps with the healing :P I am SUCH a nerd

Look what I got today!

I've wanted this shirt forever.
This blog is just becoming a collection of pictures of me XD
Excuse my hair, it's literally being held up by office supplies. A rubber band and two paper clips.

I don't know why it's not working

Nothing will let me comment on your posts. So we will improvise haha hope you don't mind
That's got to be hard. You haven't been there in five years, and then your first time back, you're basically alone. And mad at your mom. And wanting a cat. I hope the food was at least worth the four hour drive, because the circumstances weren't all that great.
You and I both seem to have that issue. We are both reliant on others to keep a conversation going with distant family members. I understand the feeling. At least there was Charlie and the chocolate factory :)

this is exactly what I posted on tumblr

So my parents and I are going up to my grandma’s for thanksgiving this year (which is four hours away). We used to go up for thanksgiving every year, but the past five years things like work and stuff have gotten in the way so we haven’t. Going up there is just fine but this is going to my first time going up to my grandma’s without any of my brothers. My brothers were always the one that would engage with my cousins and stuff, and I’d tag along. Which is just fine, but I’m not instigating anything, and I just feel like they feel like I have to entertain them with my company and I just—
I just miss my brothers

Oh My

So frustrated that it won't let me comment lol (too lazy to go upstairs to a computer) but I LOVE your bangs, they look seriously amazing. You pull them off way better than I ever did Hana nicely done :)

So I was ok, I was FINE. But now it's night and now I'm sad. Perhaps I'll write a poem. But that never helps. Why...why is this so blasted hard if it was the right thing to do? Why do I have to occupy every spare moment of my life in order to get over how difficult this is? WHY did he have a plan to go to Village Inn with Anna Jefferies after midnight the night that we talked about breaking up? Sunday night?

...sorry if I'm being dramatic, or jumping to conclusions, or being a downer. I just need to release some of this, and I might as well try as early as now. Bottling it up never really works out for me.

I don't want this to be like the other break ups. I won't be able to handle it if it ends up like my break up at this time last year. Man I really am sorry for acting this way, I feel like I shouldn't complain, it was a mutual decision. But that doesn't make the nights any easier.

...thoughts?

Cutting my bangs a little funky on a whim because i'm 19 and can still do that haha

It's time

So this is the It's Time layered version I told you about. Basically same song, just started at different times. It's kinda amazing. Instead of giving a link I just put it in a blank video for you to listen to.

so I had a fabulous moment at the GYM today

So at the GYM I was scoping out this guy there who had thick dirty blonde hair and a tattoo. I'm sorry, tattoos are either a the biggest turn off or biggest turn on for me. I can't help it. Anywho.
So I was about to leave and I was putting my workout card in this file cabinet where they're all kept and I put my card in and closed it, just as the guy come up to put his card away.
So I was like, oh I'm sorry, and he just gave me the SWEETEST SMILE and said it was alright.
It was so fantastic because I totally gave him a smile back that was all like "wow. you're really cute."
And you could TOTALLY tell he had a moment where he was at least to "pretty hair..."

I don't even care if he just liked my hair and nothing more. It freakin' made him smile.
Shortest flirting experience of my life that I didn't instigate: Success

~Marcy Elaine

Special just for you

Ashlynne requested I put this glorious picture of me up here XD

The 18th of every month

The 18th is mine and Steve's month anniversary. We always do a special date, among other dates during the month. Duh, you'd go on dates with your significant other as much as possible, right?
Well, Sunday is the 18th. The closest thing was a date on saturday but...he has work. I found out...today. After not being able to talk to him for three days due to the fact that his phone went capute.
And you know, it wouldn't be that big of a deal if we'd have gone on a date recently. But the last date we went on was on...October 18th. And maybe that would fly in some relationships. But that is never how ours has been. And I know that he is busy with work, he always has been. Is not like the business has increased. So I don't understand what on earth is happening to my relationship. The only times that I have seen him this past month have been on Sundays where we go to church with each other, or on Wednesday mornings when we make waffles for the institute students.
But we don't do Wednesdays anymore. And we haven't gone on a date in a month. And he went three days without talking to me, and that was even with me sending Facebook messages to him. You know the horrible thing about Facebook? It tells you when someone has read the message that you sent them. He read them, just didn't reply. And he didn't tell me that he has work Saturday night until I asked him, since he got his new phone today.
I can't remember the last time he told me he loves me. And I honestly- HONESTLY- cannot remember the last time that I felt good about my relationship with him. Sometime in between six and seven months, something changed.
I just want to shake him, ask him if he realizes how much I am hurting, how I nearly cry when I text him saying "I love you" and he responds with a smiley face or "that was random but thank you" what on earth does he think that does to me? After nine months, you'd like my own boyfriend would know, any man with a brain should KNOW that when a woman says I love you, and you feel the same, you say it back to her. "I love you too."

I dunno, Marcy. I've tried to talk to him about it, and its always "well Ashlynne, you know I'm busy." "I'm tired, babe. You should just go home now. No, I know it's nine. You know my work schedule." "That's random...but thank you." "No. I dont think I'll be able to make it by your house to say good bye to Mitch before he leaves."
Even though he left on a Wednesday morning, later than you would get up to help me with waffles, the firs t week we stopped making them, and after a night of playing dungeons and dragons with your friends.

What the hell.

Bloody Brilliant!

That moment when you finish the fourth Harry Potter book, and dread the day that you finish the seventh, becuase then the Harry Potter experience will be over.
And then you realize just how many Harry Potter memes there are on Pinterest, and you feel much, much better.

Skrillex

I'm just posting this here because I think it's hilarious you don't know who Skrillex is. I really want to know your reaction XD

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cR2XilcGYOo

I'm Trying so Hard

Marcy...
I am trying so hard to be happy, and to be positive, and to keep going, keep pushing, keep trying to do everything that I have piled onto my plate that I honestly thought I could handle. I thought that I could do school and work full time and Institute Council and my calling in Primary, and still be able to go on a date with my boyfriend, do my homework, read Harry Potter, and somehow be able to get at least five hours of sleep at night.
But I can't. I just cannot do it anymore. I never see anyone that I care about, and when I do see them, I'm so tired and frazzled and stressed that I don't enjoy the moments that I have with them. I skip class to do things for Institute Council, and I skip things for Institute Council to go to class or do homework. I try and do homework at work, and then get frustrated when the phone rings because it's disturbing my thought process when I nearly understood that math problem.
And then I never ever want to be at home, because unlike your situation where it's so quiet at home all the time, there is never a peaceful moment at my house. My mom being frustrated with Mitchell for not doing scripture study, my dad trying to talk to my mom about modifying the budget, Vanessa being a terrorist, and my Grandma...Marcy she is the WORST. She is on top of all of us for everything that we do wrong, like is just the perfect human being.
And yesterday, we found out that we are in fact keeping Vanessa longer than we had planned. It was going to be that we were going to resign it all this coming July 1st. But financially...my dad just told us that we can't make it without her. Which sounds horrible, I know it does. But we just...can't do it without her income.
I found this out first from my mom, as did Mitchell and my Grandma. And then later last night, my dad sat the three of us down to further explain the reasoning behind it. When he was done, he said "does anyone have a comment, or anything to say?"
Grandma: "I'll go last. I have plenty to say."

Marcy, once she said this, I just couldn't take it. I couldn't. Earlier that night, I talked to the Institute council president, Brendan, and told him that I can't do Council anymore. I signed up for my classes for next semester, and they're all hard. And there's five of them. That's the most I've ever taken at once. He assured me that he appreciates what I've done, and blah blah.
But I feel like a failure. Like I signed up for something, and now I can't, and becuase I resigned, that means I've done a half-assed (sorry...) job. And I hate that. I feel cowardly for quitting, and I was already having a bad day. And I have just been trying SO HARD to do it all, and I canNOT.

So I said "No, I have no comment. And I don't really want to stick around to hear anything else." And I stood up and started to leave the room.
And my Grandma...my Grandma. She stands up and says "You are JUST like your mother. You don't want to face any hardship that comes, you SHOULD go out and live in the real world. You're PATHETIC."

I am nearly crying right now. That hurt to the core, Marcy. She is constantly talking down on everyone, but especially my mother. Saying she doesn't do anything, that she abuses my dad, and that she is a horrible person. And while I do think that she could improve in some areas, I don't agree with my Grandma.
I don't want you to think that you can't come here anymore, let's keep that plan alive. I just...needed to tell someone how I feel right now. I'm trying to FREAKING hard to do everything that I'm supposed to. And then, when I try and fix my heavy load, and even though it made me feel like a failure, I did it and even after that, for a few moments, I tried to stay positive. And then MY GRANDMA told me that I'm pathetic and avoid hardships.
My heart hurts.

I'm convinced my mom is shrinking. I can almost look her in the eye. And I'm convinced I'm not growing hahha

~ Marcy Elaine

What the Heck

Seriously?
Re-Election?

We're going to die. Jesus needs to come back.

I'm so sick of this

I'm sick of this damned if I don't damned if I do attitude with my mom. Do something to my hair, unacceptable  Do nothing to my hair, unacceptable. Go out and try to get a job, you should be home doing chores. At home doing chores, you should find a job. Sleep in, I need structure. Don't sleep, you need to sleep more. Spend all my free time drawing, i should work on some obscure paper. On the computer, I need to get off the computer. Try to spend time with my family, I need to spend more time with people my age. Spend time with people my age, I need to spend more time at home. Hint at leaving home, hint I should stay at home. When I sound like I'm too comfortable at home she talks about moving to Utah.
It's so frustrating. I can't do anything even a little right. The only thing she seems to approve of is me cleaning and I STILL get criticism on it. I just --- UGH.

so

I told my parents that when brave comes out we are renting it and watching it.
but now I'm nervous because I'm pretty sure I'll cry during it and I don't want to cry in front of my parents haha

I'm pretty positive this is my theme song

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=creeSSgpoI4

As of Late

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LTZQsGF5Gog

This is my new favorite. I honestly don't know why, it wasn't very popular for me when you first gave it to me, but at the beginning of the week, it became my happy, dance in the car, wear my aviators, roll down the windows in 45 degree weather kind of song.
It DESERVES to be a blog post.

-Ashlynne Rose

Dear Ashlynne

Dear heavens, I just wrote dear Ashlynne and it’s already cheesier than I can handle. But i’ll try to get over it.
So I didn’t realize this really till after we talked, and it’s probably best that I did because I wouldn’t be able to say it anyway.
But it’s just kinda funny that i hadn’t realized it before but every time we talk either you or I point out that normal this is something I would never disclose to anyone. Ever. And I’m stupid for not realizing it before. I’ve been doing this whole... emotionally attached journey for a little while now I guess, and it’s sorta sucked, but I have realized something good about it. I finally get to more emotionally attached to you. And I don’t mean that like I was never before. That’s completely untrue. You’re the closest person to me outside of family (and I would say it’s comparable, but family is just a different kind of bond, and I know you get that so I don’t have to explain that) and have been... probably forever. Including the years before 8th grade, which is kinda sad once I think about it.... But I don’t know, I don’t want to say I’ve been afraid of rejection, it’s not like that, but I guess I’ve always had a sorta wall. I wish I could think of the word for it but I can’t. I guess I was afraid of the bits I share people won’t accept. Not that I’ll get rejected but just not all of me was what people wanted to know. And it’s kinda silly, with romantic relationships, I know that happens, like those little things that get you about your companion, I get that. It just happens. And I guess I realized that happens in relationships in friendship. But I never wanted that. But I know it’s unavoidable. I know there are probably a lot of things that bug my friends about me, but now i know it’s okay. Those things are actually good in a sense. If my mother didn’t drive me crazy, she wouldn’t be the woman that’s my mother, and that would be a terrible terrible thing. I love her for her and her flaws, even if they drive me up the wall. And I only thought those sort of flaws that make the person you love only happened in romantic relationships. Silly I know.
But I guess what I’m sorta trying to say is that, I never wanted that with my friendships so I never disclosed most of the things in my mind. But now that I find that I’m more emotionally invested I can disclose things to you. There’s still a lot I haven’t told you, and its not like I’m trying to keep secrets (trust me, I have no secrets worth keeping), it’s just hard. But I’m getting better. Geez where am I going with this. I’m just so grateful that I have you. I never thought I’d have a friend that I could ever be so invested in, and that’s lonely and scared me for a really long time. I’ve always said I’m independent, but I get lonely, more often than people might realized. Its my own fault but still. I just appreciate that I have you for a best friend. I appreciate that you stuck through with my insensitive self (I’m still working on it).
I always say you’re lucky that I’m telling you that and I’m not sure it conveys what I really mean. You’re not lucky, like oh, you earned the right to hear this, or you get to hear something from Marcy, you lucky person, you. No. Not at all. And the amazing thing is, you’re an amazing person and probably already understand this, but I’ve always been jealous of people who can just share their souls with other people. It’s something that I know doesn’t come around often and is very special. I’m not saying you're lucky because you’re hearing something from me, but you’re that person that someone can share things with, no mater what they are. You’re a true friend. You’re lucky. Not so much you’re lucky as you’re just a wonderful person. I know I’m lucky that I can be that for you, and it makes me sad that we haven’t really been able to be that way with each other.
I guess that’s just what I wanted to say really. Is that I appreciate you so much. You don’t even know. Honestly, when it comes to this emotion thing, you’re probably the best person I got to look towards. And I know it hurts you a lot of the time, and I know right now you’re really feeling it, but I know that’s also where you find so much happiness, and I really look up to that.
I really don’t know what I was trying to say, but I hope you found the point in there somewhere, but basically Thank you.
Love, ~Marcy Elaine.

LBD

http://www.youtube.com/user/LizzieBennet/videos?flow=grid&view=1