Opportunities

It never ceases to amaze me and terrify me the impact we have on others and the impact they have on us. How just a millisecond encounter could change the course of our lives. How we’d be completely different people if we didn’t have a certain friend in kindergarten. How if I walked down this hallway or that hallway could change the course of my life.
It sorta sounds silly at first. How whether I decide to stop and re-tie my shoelaces now, or wait till I get where I’m going can change everything. Sometimes it doesn’t. But sometimes it does. Sometimes that’s how we meet the people that shape our lives. Sometimes that delay of tying your shoelaces will butterfly effect and change a life decision like moving, or anything really. Meeting someone that will be inseparable from you.... just because you decided to tie your shoelaces.
I suppose in certain situations we are giving multiply opportunities to have someone impact us. Let’s face it, I would have been stuck with Ashlynne whether or not we shared toys that one time. Fictitious story, maybe it’s true, but I’m sure my point is clear. So that was lucky. But what about the other relationships we have in life. Where do most of your friends come from? Your enemies? Your spouse? Just those split moments.
Look back on it. Think of all those relationships that started on spur of the moment... moments. I can account for two of my friends because I came to class early and they were there, talking about something I was equally obsessed with. I became friends with Desiree (she later told me) because there was a discussion at lunch, that everyone pretty much agreed with (We don’t recall the discussion at all), but I said something that Desiree was thinking, that was different from everyone, but wasn’t going to voice because she was new to the school. That friendship spurred from that one moment. Not to say we wouldn’t have other opportunities to bond, but our friendship would be completely different. Really, it would. What would happen if I didn’t say that one thing?
Friendships aren’t really the thing that scare me. I feel like the people I was meant to be friends with for the rest of my life were practically provided for me. Again, take Ashlynne for example. If I missed the first chance to become friends with her, there was a second chance, and a third... and a 284363890th chance. Truly. I’m lucky that I was given those chances. I would not be the same without her, and I’m sure she’d feel the same. See? If I hadn’t had met her, I don’t think I would ever have a friend that I would be so close to that I could say something like that. I honestly don’t think I would.
But those split moments....
The thing that scares me is meeting the person that I could be with forever. Okay, so I’m not exactly a believer in soul mates. I do think some people were better matched than others, but still. I believe we have many people on this Earth that we are compatible to learn and love and grow with. Someone you could have a family with. I really do think that. But as many chances as there are... there are so few. What happens then? What happens when you miss that chance to be with someone that you could be with for the rest of your life? You get another chance with someone else? But what if you miss that chance too? There are so many choices in life. So many little ones that we don’t even consciously make. Tying your shoelaces. Should I wear these shoes or those ones? Rush to work or take your time? Sit in the institute looking at your blog or going outside and writing some sappy thing on your laptop? So many. It’s overwhelming when you think about it really.
Now, I don’t really think there are wrong choices with any of these. Do one thing, it could lead to this, do another thing it could lead to that. Or maybe in the same thing. I’m not saying I’ve screwed up on my decision to wear sweatpants this morning. But those missed opportunities. They just eat at me.
I knew I was going to talk about this, but I feel stupid for it anyway. I’m not saying Austin was going to be the “one” or any crap like that. I mean, we get along, we're friends, but really, who am I to judge that. But all I’m saying is what if. I could say what if about anyone really, not just him, but since he’s the reason I hurt right now, I’m going to talk about it. Ha.... when this life is over, he’s going to see this, me talking about him this way and it’s going to be awkward. But I’m just going to try to ignore that for now.
I wish I knew. I wish I knew I was going to feel like this. Maybe I could have done things a little differently. There was time before he knew he was getting accepted and going to be leaving. There was time. There were opportunities. All missed. What if? What if things were differently?
I’ve felt this way before, mourning for something that’s never happened because I know it’s never going to happen. I’ve done it with friendship. I’ve even done it with crushes. But, never has it hurt like this. When ever I think of how this semester ends and I’m probably never going to see him again, I honestly want to cry. It’s not just a feeling, I physically have to stop myself from crying. It sounds pathetic, but it’s true. What if I could say something, something, I don’t know, that would allow me to see him later, to be closer friends? But I don’t know what that is. How am I ever suppose to know what I could do to another human that would make them think of me every once in awhile. Anyone really. What could I do?
Ashlynne and I were lucky. We were solid when she moved. But I don’t have that here. I just get so sad when I think about this semester ending. I guess I always get this way at the end of something significant in life, but not like this. Never like this. There was so much potential that I missed out on. And I’m not just talking about Austin. Friendships. Relationships. It makes me want to cry too thinking Sister Gurrero might not be at institute next semester. I’m sad there were opportunities I missed out on to be closer to her. Truly, she’s changed my life.
I feel sorta heartless for saying this, but even with her, she could be out of my life, and I’d be fine. She will always have an impact on my life that no one else could replace or take away. But when I’m away from her, I’ll be fine. I won’t keep myself up late at night because of it. But Austin... I don’t know. I just haven’t felt like this before. Like I’m really missing out on something.
Maybe I just feel like I’m missing out on a great friendship. maybe I’m missing out on a relationship, even if it was casual. Maybe I am missing out on something bigger. How am I suppose to know? How do I even get the opportunity to know? I plugged my ears in one day instead of hanging out with everyone else. Who’s to say that might not have changed everything?
I’m going to miss him. And it’s more than I miss Ashlynne or my brothers. I know I probably won’t ever see him again.
All my opportunities are gone. And truly, it’s heartbreaking.

~Marcy Elaine