Heartbroken

I guess there has been a few times I’ve felt heartbreak. Never has it involved romance. Maybe heartache, but never heartbreak. I’ve always been pretty in control of my emotions, if I cry, I can stop. If I’m angry, I can stop. But I remember for the first time in my life, not being able to stop crying. And I didn’t want to either. For once, just once in my life, I wanted to just let out all of it. All that I bottled up on it. All I pretended wasn’t there. I just wanted to let it out. It surprised me though, how much of it there was.
I knew Andrew was going the wrong way in life. Andrew despite seeming like it, was never really a confident person. Cocky, maybe, but he could never really do things for himself. Peer pressure was not something he could say no to. And I don’t even know if it was the peer pressure, maybe he just wanted to rebel, but as long as I can I plan to pretend.
That’s what I was doing. Pretending. I knew he was lying. I knew he was drinking. Heavens knew what he was doing up at Ian’s house. I knew he was hanging out with the wrong people. I knew his language was vile. I knew he was gambling. I knew all of that. But I pretended I didn’t.
Ignorance is... bliss... right?
I knew. I knew when one of his old high school friends saw Andrew and me at Smart & Final. He asked if he wanted to get some drinks with him later. They were both still underage. Andrew acted a little surprise and shook his head. His friend seemed surprise. We left pretty quickly after that. I always tried to avoid the subject. I always knew I was important to Andrew. The only thing that really kept him at home at all was me. I didn’t want to screw that up. But I had to ask. I didn’t even look at him when I did, as we carried milk to the car.
So, you done that before? He didn’t even have to ask what I meant.
Once. I don’t do it though.
Promise me, you won’t do it again.
I promise...

You liar.

I knew he was lying. I knew he’d done it more than once. I knew he was going to do it again. But I pretended. I pretended he was telling me the truth. I hoped that lie burned in him. I hoped he felt the guilt of that lie was crushing him. Just like the truth was crushing me.
I knew. I wasn’t as knowledgeable as I lead on. I knew all of it. It wasn’t that hard. My parents didn’t know I knew. I think Andrew was pretending too. Pretending that I didn’t know.
And one night, I’m not even sure why, but it all came out. I remember standing on the stairs, my mom standing on the tile, talking to me. It was late. Really late. And she just started talking to me about all this stuff, because it was all surfacing, it wasn’t something they could keep from me. They actually needed me. They needed that relationship I had with Andrew.
All I could remember saying was I know.
Andrew has been drinking. I know. Andrew has been smoking. I know. Andrew sleeps out in his car when he was drunk to sleep it off. I know.
Of course, I said that all silently. There was not really much I could say. I was trying my best not to cry in front of my mom, despite the fact she was in tears. I remember my bed was in the middle of my room, so there was just this little walkway over by the window so I could get in bed. I sat in the little crevasse and cried. I cried to my mouth was dry. I didn’t even know it was possible to have tears stream down your face till that moment.
Everything. All the things I tried to pretend were just thrown out there. And I knew. I knew, but I couldn’t accept. And nothing quite ever sat on my chest the way that did. And it did even after I cried it out. More tears would come. So many more. Enough that I was almost not ashamed of it. Enough I could talk to my mom about it, help her, because she was more heartbroken than I was, with teary eyes. Enough to call my best friend and yell and cry about how these people, these people who shouldn’t even be in our life were tearing our family apart.
I still hate the tears. I’m glad the those tears are gone. That that weight is gone.
I don’t have to pretend anymore. And neither does Andrew.

~Marcy Elaine